Chris Sabo’s Goggles

Send Bronson Arroyo to the minors. Tonight. Keep him there until he can prove that he can pitch. I don’t care how much the dude makes, he’s an absolute nightmare right now.  I’d tell him to give up baseball to pursue his music career, but he’s a horrible singer and he plays lame cover songs.  If there’s one thing he does worse than pitching in the Major Leagues, it’s that silly little band of his.

And while we’re at it, Bronson, cut that ridiculous hair of yours.   You look like my fifth grade English teacher.  She was a woman.

I’ve never been a big fan of yours, Arroyo.  Ever since you were traded here all you did was whine about how much you miss Boston and that Cincinnati isn’t the same.  BOO-HOO!  We’ve put up with your sucky pitching way longer than Red Sox Nation would have, so thank your lucky stars you’re still not there.  They would’ve crucified you by now.

Josh Fogg. Would somebody cut this ass?  Now!  Send him home.  Send him to another team. I don’t care, just don’t have him on the Reds roster anymore.  If you need someone to break the news to him, I’m available.  Give me his cellphone number, because I’d be happy to give him a call and tell him just how much he sucks.

I hate this team right now.  To quote my Dad (usually said in response to the Bengals), they’re a bunch of bums!  Screw September call-ups, let the youth movement begin today.  Implode this team.  Could it really get any worse than it already has?

P.S. Josh Fogg… you SUCK!

I wrote this before Saturday’s game - assuming the worst - but despite Belisle’s decent outing against the Braves, I’ve decided to post it anyway.

I mean, it’s not like I have a lot to say about the Reds “offense” right now.

This is an ode
An ode to Matt Belisle
Because the last time he won a game
Well… it’s been awhile

Your fastballs are slow
Your sinkers don’t sink
How dumb do you think we are?
Less than you think

You give up runs
At a staggering pace
With every pitch of yours
We fall further out of the pennant race

Your ERA is as high
As the national debt
Whenever you take the mound
My brow drips with sweat

I blame Corey on Dusty
And you know what that says
That no matter how horrible you are
You’ll always be better than Neifi Perez

And so ends the first - and last - piece of poetry I will ever write.

Just thought you’d like to know that your Cincinnati Reds are tied for the second worst record in all of baseball.

And yes, “all of baseball” means the American and National Leagues.

Rob Dibble, Norm Charlton and Randy Meyers, you have company - Edinson Volquez is flat out nasty.

 Yes, the Reds lost (again), but what can you do when Tim Hudson pitches like he did?

That was a rhetorical question.

There was an article on ESPN today about this weekend’s pitching match-ups.  The Volquez/Hudson match up was one of the games mentioned and someone was so inclined to leave the following comment: 

Edinson Volquez + Dusty Baker = Edinson Volquez done in two years.

Imagine that - a misinformed comment from someone that doesn’t know what they’re talking about.  On the Internet, no less.

I am by no means a Dusty Baker fan, so have a seat and grab your favorite beverage while I defend him for what will surely be the only time this season.

You see, Dusty Baker got the reputation of riding young pitchers into the ground because he did just that with Kerry Wood and Mark Prior.  But you know what, the Cubs were in the middle of a playoff hunt, so he had to ride them.  If he didn’t - no playoffs, Cubbies.

The Reds probably aren’t going to the playoffs this year (there, I said it), so what benefit could Baker possibly have in riding Volquez and Cueto into the ground?

Another rhetorical question.

And now you know why you’ll never see similar, uninformed comments on Chris Sabo’s Goggles.  Because I’ll delete them.

Fortunately, Reds fans are smart and rarely leave uninformed comments. 

Yeah… tell John Fay that.

I guarantee the Reds won’t lose today!

I don’t know what’s more frustrating - the fact that Aaron Harang is 1-4, or the fact that Aaron Harang is 1-4 with a 2.98 ERA.

Actually, I know what the most frustrating thing is - Corey Patterson, our leadoff hitter, batting .214 with a .280 OBP.  That’s only slightly better than Bronson Arroyo’s OBP.

Stupid Dusty’s horses…

It’s now the month of May, and you know what that means?  It means that we can no longer say, “Relax, it’s only April.”  The Reds are getting dangerously close to tanking this season if adjustments aren’t made soon.  What adjustments need to be made?  Hell if I know, I just run this stupid site.

April Starting Pitching Grades

Aaron Harang: B-
He’s pitching well enough to win, but getting no offensive support.

Bronson Arroyo: C-
He’d be a “D+” if it wasn’t for his last start.

Johnny Cueto: B
Though, his last couple of starts worry me.

Josh Fogg: F
Did you really have to ask?

Matt Belisle: D+
Proof that success in the minors doesn’t equate to success in the majors.  He has one more bad start in him before I relegate him to the ranks of Josh Fogg and Gary Majewski. That’s not a good place to be, Matt.

Edinson Volquez: A
Wow… 

April Hitting Grades

Corey Patterson: C-
Sometimes when Patterson grounds out weakly to shortstop, I’ll squint my eyes and pretend he’s Jay Bruce hitting a double to the wall.

Jeff Keppinger: A-
Quietly one of the best players on this team.

Ken Griffey Jr.: B-
He’s notorious for having slow Aprils. Once the weather starts to heat up and those aching muscles of his loosen up, I expect Junior to pick up the pace a bit.

Brandon Phillips: B
Such a fun player to watch.

Adam Dunn: D+
Wherefore art thou, Big Donkey? 22 Ks and a .224 average to boot? Not good.

Edwin Encarnacion: C
He was an “F” for the first half of April, and an “A” for the second half. That averages out to a “C”, folks. Plus, his shaky defense has cost us a few games.

Joey Votto: B+
Just a solid player.

Paul Bako: A-
When was the last time that any of us could give a Reds catcher an “A” grade? I have to hand it to the old man, he’s making the most of his time with the Reds right now. And when his stats inevitably start to fade as the season goes on, I’ll just keep telling myself, “At least he’s not Jason LaRue.”

Question: How do you end a three-game winning streak?

Answer: Give up 7 runs in the first 2 innings.

That’s exactly what Johnny Cueto did last night against the Cards, giving up a very Josh Fogg-esque 7 runs and 8 hits in 1.2 innings.  This was Cueto’s worst start in the majors, and his second bad outing in a row.  He hasn’t won a game since his first start of the season. 

One has to wonder if all those innings Cueto threw in Winter Ball are starting to catch up to him.  Some expected Cueto to show signs of fatigue some time around mid season, but not in April. 

And as much as it pains me to say it, Josh Fogg actually pitched… uh… well in relief.  He threw 4.2 innings without giving up a run, which is pretty staggering in Fogg Land.  Then again, Fogg probably looked at the scoreboard, saw that the score was 7-0 in favor of the Cardinals, figured he’d given up all those runs, and was able to settle in.

Apparently Bronson Arroyo has been working with pitching coach Dick Pole (heh-heh… Dick Pole) on locating his fastball.  It’s not that Bronson didn’t know where his fastball was, he just didn’t know where to throw it without the other team launching it out of the park.

Monday Night’s Line:

Dick, whatever you’re doing, keep it up.

Wait.  That sounded bad.

For my more sophisticated readers that didn’t catch that last reference, fortunately, Wikipedia was kind enough to spell it out for you:

Pole’s name is often treated in humorous fashion by sports columnists and pundits because both his first and last names could be considered euphemisms for penis.

You see, his first name is Dick.  And his last name is Pole.

It’s hard to believe that just a couple of weeks ago some of us were praising Corey Patterson and his hot start, while others were talking about sending Edwin Encarnacion to the minors to work out his “problems.”  Since that time, Patterson has shown why he has no business being a leadoff hitter, and Encarnacion has quietly put up the following stats:

Apparently, Ryan Freel is none too pleased with his lack of playing time, and Scott Hatteberg trade rumors are starting to develop. I’m not too sure what kind of value we could get back for either of these players (Dusty’s hoping for the 1-2 punch of Neifi Perez and Henry Blanco), but with a new GM in office, I wouldn’t be surprised if something happens soon.  

Oh, the Reds have won three in a row.

After an extended weekend stay in the Queen City for a niece’s baptism (and to devour a few cheese coneys), I’m back to bore you with my horribly uninspired musings about our beloved Cincinnati Reds.

I watched most of Saturday’s game, and I couldn’t help but shake my head at Matt Belisle’s inability to pitch well.  Yes, the Reds got the win (barely), but Belisle didn’t exactly make a positive contribution.  Between him and Arroyo, I just don’t know what to do. 

The bats came alive during the Giants series, but let’s face it, they’re the San Francisco Giants.  If the Reds continue to swing a hot bat in St. Louis, then maybe (maybe) I’ll breathe a temporary sigh of relief.

Todd Coffey continues to unimpress this season, and because of that he was shipped down to Triple-A Louisville (lew-ih-vul) today.  Hello, Bill Bray.  Let’s see if Bray can reverse the trend of Stud in the Minors/Bum in the Majors that we’ve been seeing recently.

Other than that, the two-game win streak feels good.  I feel a lot better about this team than I did a week ago, but they’re are still some issues that need to be resolved.

On the mound tonight: Mr. JTM vs. Todd Wellemeyer

The Reds had their press conference yesterday afternoon to officially announce Walt Jocketty as the new General Manager of the Cincinnati Reds.

I had and have very neutral feelings about Wayne Krivsky’s tenure here. I applaud him for his role in picking up Brandon Phillips (when nobody else wanted him), and even though the Josh Hamilton move resulted in a temporary stay with the Reds, Hamilton would later net the Reds one Edinson Volquez. So far, I can’t complain about that deal.

And while it’s easy to dismiss last year’s Adam Dunn signing now (while he’s struggling), Dunn is an important piece of this team, and I hope Jocketty realizes this and signs him to a multi-year deal soon. 

But for every one good Krivsky move there was two questionable moves. Rheal Cormier? Juan Castro, anyone? And I don’t care what it looked like on paper at the time, but the Austin Kearns/Felipe Lopez trade still ticks me off.

Stupid Gary Majewski…

Here are some Jocketty quotes from the press conference:

Actual quote:

“I think one thing I talked with Dusty about today … we need to change the culture and mindset to have everyone believe we can win. … You have to surround yourself with positive people. We’ll evaluate that in the coming weeks and months.”

Translation:

Josh Fogg and Corey Patterson - your asses are gone.

Actual quote:

“Both Dusty and I hate losing. We’re not going to stand for it.”

Translation:

Who should we fire next? 

Actual quote:

“I will at some point (address the team). I’ve discussed that with the staff a little bit today. … We may wait until we get on the road to do it.” 

Translation:

Josh Fogg is really dreading this road trip now.

Actual quote:

“Trust me, me and Dusty are very motivated. We’re both guys with a vendetta and chip on our shoulders.”

Translation:

Dusty was booed out of Chicago and would like nothing more than to show the Cubs brass that they made a mistake in letting him go.

So, what does all of this mean to the immediate future of the Reds? I’m not sure. It’s too early to call this season a wash (I’ll wait until at least next week to do that), but there are too many things that need to be fixed immediately in order to right this ship and save the season.

But if there’s anyone that can do it, Walt Jocketty is the guy.  All signs point to this move being a positive step in the right direction.

You know what 0-3 means…

I’m sorry that I had to do that to you, but this is just painful:

What do you do with Bronson Arroyo? Seriously, what do you do?

Ken Griffey, Jr. is three HRs away from 600.

Six hundred homeruns.

That’s pretty awesome.