Chris Sabo’s Goggles

I’m not a proponent of user-comments on websites.  There, I said it.  That’s not to say that they don’t serve their purpose in the right environment, under the right conditions, with the right people, though.  For example, I think the way Red Reporter utilizes comments during game-action is quite good.  As long as people stay on topic.  But people rarely stay on topic.

I make a point to not read the comments attached to most articles (news or sports-related) because, quite honestly, 99.9% of the comments are crap.  I was reminded of this yesterday as I was reading the ESPN article on yesterday’s Cubbies/Reds game.  I was shocked to see that there were over 600 (SIX HUNDRED) comments for this article alone.

“Do that many people really want to talk about Joey Votto?” I thought to myself. 

Of course not. 

Since it was an article about the Cubbies, Cubbie fans had to chime in - and nobody had anything to say about Jon Lieber’s performance, or what the Cubbies can do to improve their starting rotation.  No, the Cubbie fans were there to talk about anything but yesterday’s game.

600+ comments of crap that had nothing to do with the game.  Why were these people even here?  Do they not have friends?  Families?  Lives?

What?! You actually want to read the comments? Go ahead. I dare you. Within seconds you’ll actually feel your brain turn to the consistency of an Oreo Cookie that fell into your glass of milk, but you forgot about it until you finished the glass of milk half an hour later and you don’t see it until it was stuck to the bottom of the glass.  Forever.

It’s exactly like that.

You know what, I’ll save you the trouble.  Here is my interpretation of the comments you will see attached to every single article about the Cubbies:

1. An overly optimistic Cubbie fan starts things off by saying it’s only one game and that the Cubbies are going to win the World Series this year.  “This is our year!” he declares.  (This person is probably still wearing his Glenallen Hill Cubs jersey)
2. A non-Cubbie fan joins the conversation by making a comment about how the Cubbies haven’t won a World Series in 100 years.
3. A Cubbie fan responds by saying, “At least we sell out our games.” (Oh, snap!)
4. Another non-Cubbie fan responds by saying, “You may sell out your games, but your fans are all stupid!”  (Touché)
5. A Cubbie fan - seeing that the last commenter wasn’t from Chicago - responds with, ”You don’t live in Chicago, therefore you must be a hillbilly!” (We called them “grits” where I grew up, but whatever)
6. A non-Cubbie fan reminds the Cubbie fan that they haven’t won a World Series in the last 100 years.
7. A Cubbie fan responds by saying the White Sox suck.  (Now they’re getting personal)
8. A non-Cubbie fan responds by saying that “he’s not a White Sox fan, he just hates the Cubbies.”  (Fair enough)
9. A Cubbie fan apologizes for jumping to conclusions and assuming that the previous commenter was a White Sox fan, but then goes on to question the commenter’s sexual preferences, family lineage and his mother’s choice of intimate partners.
10. A non-Cubbie fan says that it wasn’t cool to bring up his mother, but now that she’s part of the conversation, she hates the Cubbies, too.
11. A Cubbie fan joins the conversation and adds, “CUBS RULZ DUDE! WTF! GO BACK TO THE SOUTH SIIIIIIIIDE PUNK!  CUBBIES #1!!!!! WE’RE THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!  STOP BEING A HATER!!!!!”
12. Everyone then spends the next 20 minutes trying to figure out what that last guy said.
13. Someone suggests that people that use all-caps are gay.
14. A Cubbie fan tries to tell other Cubbie fans that it’s still early and that they shouldn’t be concerned by their recent struggles.  He then mentions how the Cubbies had a worse record at this time last season and they still made the playoffs, but fails to mention that those same Cubbies got swept in the first round of the playoffs.
15. A Cardinals fan joins the conversation and starts insulting Chicago’s cuisine - Italian beefs, deep dish pizza, Chicago-style hot dogs - they all suck.
16. A Cubbie fan declares that all Cardinals fans are hillbillies (read: Grits) and idiots.  Then he complains about Marty Brennaman making sweeping generalizations about Cubbie fans.  Then he says that Marty is just jealous because the Cubs fired him.
17. Everyone informs him that THOM Brennaman used to work for the Cubbies, not Marty.
18. Someone mentions that the Cubbies haven’t won a World Series in 100 years.
19. A Cubbie fans joins the conversation and says, “At least we sell out all of our games.”
20. A Cubbie fan says, “White Sox suck!”
21. A Cubbie fan says, “Yeah… the White Sox DO suck!”
22. A non-Cubbie fan says that Wrigley Field is the worst place in all of America to see a baseball game (Oh, no you didn’t!)
23. A Cubbie fan responds to the previous commenter by saying, “At least we sell out all of our games.”
24. A Cubbie fan says that “all you haters” are just “jealous” of the Cubbies.
25. Everyone then spends the next 67 days trying to figure out what the Cubbies have that their team doesn’t have, and how they could possibly be jealous about it.

You think I’m kidding?  Read any article about the Cubs on the Chicago Tribune.  It doesn’t matter what day of the week, or what the article is about - just read it.  The article could be about the fabric used to attach the numbers to the Cubs’ uniforms and I guarantee you that within the first 5 comments a nonsensical argument will break out between Cubbies fans and non-Cubbie fans.  Of the 300+ comments that will be attached to that article, four of them will actually be about the fabric used to attach the number to the Cubbies’ uniforms.

When you’re done reading the comments, look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Do I leave comments like this on websites?”  If the answer to that question is yes, then may God have mercy on your soul.

Chris Sabo’s Goggles is only a couple of months old, but so far, the people that have left a comment here (Mom, Dad…) have actually had something to say related to the article it was attached to.  What a novel idea.  And for that, I thank you.

Not bad for a bunch of hillbillies, huh?